Full of Emptiness

I love oxymorons and the phrase "Full of Emptiness" really seems to sum up my heart's feelings at times. It isn't like I can fit ANYTHING else in my heart, so one would assume that my heart is full - but yet it simultaneously feels completely empty. How is it possible to feel on so many contradictory levels?

I continue to try to focus on the things I know and to try to remember that value and strength are inherent because of who I am as a child of Almighty God, not who others perceive me to be.

The days I remember to be mindful of the creator of all things and to realize that He is holding everything in His hands are filled with more peace than emptiness. When I get distracted by my circumstances and listen to the voices that are trying to pull me into despair and darkness the feelings of complete emptiness threaten to overwhelm me.

I come completely undone every year with the 'holidays' in full season as I anticipate not being able to meet my own expectations of a 'real' Christmas. I am praying that I will be able to stop and listen and hear the Angels singing the only "REAL" reason to celebrate: Luke 2:14 “Glory to God in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.”

Fear Factor

I've been thinking a lot about the "FEAR Factor" lately. Fear is both a noun and a verb, defined accourding to merriam-webster.com as follows:

Noun:
1a : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger b (1) : an instance of this emotion (2) : a state marked by this emotion
2: anxious concern : solicitude
3: profound reverence and awe especially toward God
4: reason for alarm : danger

And
Verb:
transitive verb
1archaic : frighten
2archaic : to feel fear in (oneself)
3: to have a reverential awe of
4: to be afraid of : expect with alarm
intransitive verb
: to be afraid or apprehensive

Fear can be 'rational' or 'irrational' and my reaction to "Fear" in both the noun and verb form can be similarly categorized.

Fear can do the following:
1. Motivate me to overcome the fear
2. Paralyze me in response to the fear
3. Control and dominate nearly every thought with fear
4. Initiate a retreat in reaction to the fear

I've recently taken a baby step in 'overcoming' a fear of Algebra by taking a placement test. In the grand scheme of things it is a ridiculous fear, but I literally used a fear of failing to put on hold something that I could have accomplished years ago. I'll categorize that as an 'irrational' reaction to FEAR.

But there are other fears - anxious concerns and apprehensions - that I still need to contend with that loom larger than scrambled letters and numbers on a page.

I've determined that my reaction to these fears should be to first analyze the "things" being feared.

1. Is it a situation in which I have any control? Are there steps I can take to alter the perceived outcome?
If yes, use the fear (anxiety, concern) to put together an action plan and take one step at a time toward change.

2. Is it an event that is impending but one which I really have no way to change? If yes, use fear as a reminder that God holds our future in His hand and He already knows the outcome. Change from being controlled by fear to a position of power and peace through prayer and trust in the hand of God to lead and guide when the future is unclear.

The "FEAR Factor" is definitely real. We all face daunting giants in our lives -some of us on a daily basis. May we be like David and use one stone and a reliance and profound reverence and awe toward God to face our fears and overcome them.

Where have you been?

I generally like to write, but I'm terrible at forming habits (unless you call procrastination a habit). So I do not write on a consistent basis. I know I have a blog, but really, what's the point if no one else reads it? Well, I guess the point is that sometimes I need to read my own reflections every once in awhile. I recently reviewed a post I wrote and thought "Did I really write that?" Sure seems applicable to my situation now. Can I just repost it I wonder? Guess my writing is not fruitless if it helps even one person...even if that one person is me.

More Life to This Life

Perspective is still one of the most amazing "concepts" to me. So many circumstances can change our perspective in so many ways instantly. Life altering events happen without warning and take on many forms - the death of a loved one - diagnosis of a terminal disease - loss of a job. Each of these circumstances catapult us to another level in the landscape of life. How we deal with these changes and the subsequent choices we make can alter our paths and produce more changes which can again change our perspective! It is one of the many variables in life, and frankly, one of the hardest to grasp. All around us are people who may also be facing an unexpected change in perspective. How precious it would be if we could realize the fragility that they are facing in determining all their new view entails. What if we could pray more for others even while going through our own shadowy valleys? It isn't easy. Sometimes our own problems are rightfully consuming. But as I face my shadows I know that I have the Ruler of this Universe by my side, and I pray that I will recognize each struggling face that He puts in my path and give me the strength and wisdom to reach out, beyond myself, and allow me to be a light into their darkness to show how much more there is to this life.

Under The Sun

There is nothing new under the sun..."What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun..." Ecclesiastes 1:9 (NIV) Does this mean life is "de ja vu" all over again? Feels like it some days. Since I am blogging to impart things to Sam, I want him to know this feeling is definitely REAL. The feelings that overwhelm you at times will be felt again. The frustrations in life have been felt before... but the great thing about there being "nothing new under ths sun" is that God has "been there" and "done that" for his children throughout history. It is this simple fact that I am focusing on today. I have no idea what God has in mind for our family. We are wandering in the desert with no end in sight. But God's been to the desert before...many times...with many people...and He can lead us through anything. My questions don't stop with the reassurance that God is with me. I want to know WHY we are in the desert. I want to know WHEN we will get out. I want to know HOW we will exit - will there be more mountains to climb? Will there be rivers to wade through? I know God is here, but sometimes I lose my patience in waiting for a visible sign from Him of a door open, a path cleared, even a whisper saying "almost done"... And it seems I've felt this way for months now... nothing new under the sun Trust Patience Understanding God's will I feel i've learned all the things above...and then I feel like I'm right back where I started. nothing new under the sun So, to help cope when there is nothing new under the sun... when you know there is nothing left you "can do"...you can know there is only one thing you "should do"... Pray. Pray fervently. Pray without ceasing. God's already been here - He already knows the way out. The only peace will come through Him, through thoroughly throwing your hands up to Him and saying "it's me...again...I'm here in this desert...where to next God?" Maybe the oasis is just around the next sand dune...

FaceBook

So, I joined Facebook...I thought having a "blog" was hip...woah. Facebook is WA-ay tech. But I've been thinking about our church's "motto" (which is completely the wrong word, but it's the only one I can conjure at this hour)..."BEYOND THE WALLS"... We are talking about getting on the "outside" of the building and actually DOING something. I consider it "DOING" the great commission. The book of Matthew, Chapter 28 vs 19 says "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations...". It does not say "Go and make Churches" or even "Go and make Church attenders". So. What is a disciple? Merriam-Webster.com defines a disciple as "one who accepts and assists in spreading the doctrines of another: one of the twelve in the inner circle of Christ's followers according to the Gospel accounts"... I'm not discounting churches or the need for believers to gather for fellowship and edification. I have merely been pondering the possibility that perhaps we as "followers of Christ" should be spending LESS time doing "Church" and more time doing "life". I can't help but think about where Jesus himself met most of his followers. It wasn't inside the synagogs. It was out where they lived and worked. And I don't recall reading anywhere about Christ saying "No, I can't go fishing with you today. I need to get to the synagog." Again, not that spending time with other belivers is bad...but where exactly does the "make disciples" role fit into our lifestyle? How are we "spreading the good news" (doctrine) by dedicating our lives to "serving the church...Sunday (Church, Sunday School, maybe a potluck lunch, perhaps a small group), Tuesday morning (Ladie's Bible Study), Wednesday evening (choir practice), Friday (Family fun time with small group), Saturday morning (Men's breakfast and church clean up)......where and when do we find the time to reach out? And who do we reach out to? Yes, we may invite our neighbors, acquaintances or co-workers to some "events" and sometimes even to "attend church". And sometimes they come. Many have been tremendously blessed merely by invitation. I am not discounting that either... My fear is that often we are so immersed in the culture of "Church" that we forget that there is an entire culture outside the four walls that wants nothing to do with the "church world". I imagine there are many that would think answering yes to, "Hey, why don't you come join our family at church for some fun" would be only slightly less painful than joining you at the dentist and undergoing a root canal with you. However, they may politely say "Oh, not today, I've got to...wash the neighbor's dog" Again, I'm not saying that invting people to church is negative...but is getting someone INTO the church building the goal? I'm just trying to figure out how exactly "making disciples" works. I can tell you it isn't getting someone into the church building...it has to be more than that...it has to be personal...something deeper...something more passionate than that. I am certainly not good at being "outside" my walls. My house walls, my church walls, my family walls...I like the comfort and the familiarity of knowing what to expect...and knowing I won't be challenged. Not very "out there"... So now I'm on this FaceBook thing. And I'm "out there" looking for a job, interviewing, and facing the real possibility that in 30 days I'll be doing a job with "people" that are REALLY beyond my walls... Will I be able to "make disciples" and survive "the world"? TBC (to be continued...)

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