Simple

It's February 2nd. Ground Hog Day.

2012 is 1/12th of the way completed.

Spring is coming ...

I've been mulling over words to choose for February, and there was a great list. So many super words. I loved Gratitude for January, and have had a LOT of things to be grateful for - a new job for Dennis, training a new person so I can have an occasional weekend off, health, spending time with friends, continued strength for my dad, etc. Gratitude will continue to be a focus through the year for our family.

However, I sensed that for February I needed a word that would help me deal with all the changes that are forthcoming with the new job and new schedule and routine. I tend to be overwhelmed easily. I tend to think "I can't do _________ until I finish ___________" and then, because I over complicate things or over think them, before you know it, NOTHING is completed.

So, my word for February, which should probably be my theme for the year is ....

SIMPLIFY

It may not seem "earth shattering" to most, but it is truly important to me to try to remember to focus on simple.

For our new schedule, we'll be eating dinner together again as a family. When it was just Sam and I, Soup, Grilled Cheese, PBnJ, MacNCheese w/chicken & Veggies and Spaghetti could get us through the week. However, we now need a meal plan so that we can get a handle on the week's dinners. We will all be together and getting home at the same time. I've given tons of advice to others - just write it down, it doesn't have to be complicated, etc. Yet when it came time for me to make our meal plans, I was all over the internet, researching, trying to come up with a spreadsheet, etc. I SO need SIMPLE.

Simplify life - less is more. My overall goal is to find one thing per day to simplify or to just SIMPLY do, rather than complicating it with conditional values (complicated way of technically procrastinating, I suppose).

Through this simplifying, other alluring words that I considered for this month will have more impact, because I will be able to embrace them, and truly ENJOY the words.

Now, I need to go simplify some paperwork on my desk!!!

2012 Words for Each Month

Last year on KLOVE radio, I heard about choosing a "word" for the year instead of making a New Year's Resolution. I thought it was a good idea. I didn't do it.

On New Year's Eve, my brother-in-law decided instead of toasting to the New Year at midnight, we'd all give a "word" for the year. I am not sure I can remember the word I chose. Never mind that it was only 6 days ago. Trying to remember a word for an entire year is obviously beyond my ability.

So I decided instead to pick a word for each month. That will also give me something to Blog about each month.

I picked my word for January, 2012 on Tuesday. Actually, I think God GAVE me my word on my way to work, while I was grumbling about how early it was and how much I didn't want to go sit in an office...

G R A T I T U D E

There were more thoughts that ran through my mind - ones about attitude and making sure my attitude matched the gratitude I should have. But at the risk of sounding too much like Dr. Suess, I'm just going to stick with Gratitude.

When I am feeling a little overwhelmed or out of control, focusing on Gratitude enables me to regain order in my mind.

Gratitude allows me to share with others rather than focus on my wants.

One of my favorite Veggie Tales has Madame Blueberry learning that a "Thankful Heart is a Happy Heart". Who doesn't want that?

So, on the days that I start out with a struggle to "get it all together", I will put GRATITUDE in focus and remember all the blessings and overwhelming love I have in my life.

I want to spill out thankfulness to everyone I come in contact with.

2012 - January - GRATITUDE

Inspiration

I have learned that my inspiration is often powerful, but my perseverance is easily derailed. I have discovered that I am all too often inspired by what others do or say or accomplish, but then fail to find my own personal inspiration within to actually accomplish anything.

I don't imagine that the late Steve Jobs looked only to others for his inspiration. Somewhere inside him was a voice that told him to keep going, to keep creating, to keep pushing new horizons, even when those around him were casting doubt.

I want to teach Samuel that inspiration can be found in many places and take many forms, but that his source of strength and energy to push towards a goal must be found within. Ideas and aspirations must fuel one to press forward, to solve problems, and to continue on toward the finish, even when it is challenging to do so.

Inspiration is beautiful and accomplishment is life changing.

Run the Race

Dear Sam,

Right now, at age 8, you are a RUNNER. Before too much time passes I wanted to write something to document who you are, in this moment...at the start of "the race", and to share with you my heart.

Dad and I have always tried to help you expend the boundless energy you were born with. At one of our first ultrasounds when you were so teeny tiny, Dr. Stephenson said "you've got a fighter here!" Your little arms and legs were moving non-stop. Maybe you were practicing your running even then? As a baby and toddler, you did "daddy/baby swim". You played outside running and kicking a ball as soon as you could walk. You'd run around the yard chasing Rocky too. As you grew, you really began to enjoy soccer. You also tried baseball and football. You were rarely tired.

In the spring of 2011, we needed to choose what "activity" you would do. Spring choices were baseball or soccer. A lot of your friends were doing baseball, but that has a lot of down time, which you are not that fond of. I thought you'd go for soccer, and had already looked at the Rockford Raptors and was getting excited to be a "soccer mom". When we talked, you looked me in the eye and said "Mom, can't I just run? That's what I like most about soccer, mom. The running. I like to run."

Here are the mom thoughts that went through my head:
GULP.
Run? Without kicking or dribbling a ball?
Run? For fun?
Ok.
Run.
Really?
Sigh.

"I will see what I can find," I replied.
That was in early March. I put it off a few weeks, but realized I'd better find out about "signing you up" as the spring sports were getting underway. I knew Belvidere Park District had a running program, so I searched but couldn't find anything! The Belvidere Tornados only run in the fall.... I had to keep looking. I remembered seeing a window decal for a track and field group so I Googled "Illinois Youth Running" and came to the USA Track and Field website. I looked at a few track and field sites, and then came across the Rockford Wildcats website. I read the coach biographies. I read their philosophies. I read their running quotes. I still wanted more information, so I emailed the contact person listed, just to see what it was "all about". That was on March 26. Coach Mike wrote me back the nicest email explaining a little more about "how it works". Here are some quotes:

"We find that often parents want a child to run but the child has not come to the conclusion that they want to run...Sounds like your child has the desire." **That made me smile, since it showed Coach Mike really read my email.**

"While we have had some 8 year olds who have occasionally run on the longer side this is pretty rare and we are very careful with our younger runners." **This was very reassuring, as it showed how much Coach Mike cares about kids.**

On March 28th you attended your first practice. The Wildcats were running on the River Path by the YMCA in downtown Rockford. It was Spring Break week, and you had spent the day at the YMCA doing Gym & Swim. Papa drove you and I met you there after my Math Class. Coach Mike thought you were "pretty good" for a youngster, and when he heard you'd been swimming all afternoon, his eyebrows went up. That showed you had a lot of endurance.

For you, it was "love at first run".

Saturday, April 2 - First "time trial"

18.39 - 2 miles
It was your fourth run. Ever.

You were 28th in the 2 mile out of 50 Wildcats.

At one of the next few practices, Coach Mike wanted to move you up a little, to see how you would do. You ran with Coach Gary's group and they were doing about a 3 mile run. Your exact words were "I think I may die" when you came back in. It was the first time you were tired. You weren't used to being tired. It was a tough run for you.

I don't know what it is about running that you love so much. Whenever I ask you, you just answer "I just love it." You still loved it even after the hard run, but you made it very clear you didn't want to run 3 miles again. EVER.

Saturday, April 17 - Heritage Run

First Race
17 Minute - 2 miles
It was your first race.
It was your 11th run. Ever.

You were 7th in males 7-9, and the 45 male, and 74th overall (out of 197).


When the group took a break after the Heritage Run for the month of May, you ran a few times in the neighborhood on your own. It was a good time for a break because it helped you to realize when running started again how much you really loved it.

When they started again on June 2nd, they were running in Rock Cut State Park on the trails. It was closer for us, and that was good because Papa couldn't drive you to practice after his stroke. Papa had his stroke in May, so things were different at home. A lot of changes happened. I think running was a constant in your life that brought consistency and a release from some of the things going on at home.

Your love for running is obvious in your commitment to practice. When you did football last fall, you didn't always want to go to practice. If you have to miss running, you are extremely sad. You've only missed a handful of practices since you started. You also loved running with Coach Mike. A few times he tried to bump you up and you just seemed so content running with him. I was comfortable with you running with him also.

4th of July - Meld Race

2nd Race
15.47 - 2 Miles

You were 1st in males 7-9, the 36th male, and 53rd overall (out of 203). I was able to see you get your first "first place" medal. I was really proud of you for running so well and for your sweet spirit saying "good race" to the other runners. Coach Mike said you are a smart racer, and you ran a smart race and a good race.

I can't remember when it happened, but on one of the runs in Rock Cut, when we'd moved over by the lake, Coach Mike convinced you to run with Coach Carol. You did great! Coach Carol is really an inspirational woman. She is an incredible athlete and a strong person and I really admire her.

You attended the Wildcats Cross Country Camp July 17th-21st. They were the hottest days in years. You ran...and ran...and ran. At the end of camp it was still hot. For practice you did a time trial but the smaller kids only did an 800 because of the heat. You met Collin, and he beat you by 3 hundredths of a second. You were a good sport and said "great race" to Collin. You could have run the 1500 but you decided at the very end not to "risk it".

July 21st
Wildcats Time Trial
Rock Cut State Park

3:26.7 - 800 Meters

2nd out of 17 total

The group started to focus on practicing for the State Street Mile. Track practices made you tired. You ran lots of shorter bursts and you were now running with Coach Gary on the track. It was work for you, but you still loved it. You had to miss a track practice while you were at Camp Payne.
Your cousins ran with you a few mornings.

August 6th - State Street Mile

6.48.54 - 1 Mile

You were 1st in males under 8, the 54th male, and 89th overall (out of 222). It was a PR.
Coach Gary said you are a great racer. He said you need to be a great practicer too. I let you know that Coach Gary said to push yourself more in practices. You started running all the time with Coach Gary...and you were running 3+ miles at each practice...and you didn't even notice...

In August the Wildcats started running at different parks in preparation for the "season". We still didn't know what a "cross country" meet was. We ran at Aldeen Park (where the sledding hill is), at Alpine Park (which you affectionately nicknamed "Pineapple Park" when you were in preschool), and at Dahlquist Park just down from SwedishAmerican Hospital where Mom works. Daddy was able to come to all your practices in August because the plant was shut down. It was great because I could just meet you at practices after work.

September 3rd - On the Waterfront - First 5K
4th Race

24:51 - 5K

7th in the 14 and under (the only 8 yr old) 88th male, 107th overall (out of 341). It was a PR because it was your first 5K. PS: 5K=3.11 MILES

The season is about to get into full swing.
You still love running.
You like racing.
You also like winning.

You decided to run in the Girl Scout Thin Mint 2 Mile Sprint.

September 10th - Girl Scout Thin Mint Sprint

5th Race
12:43 - 2 Miles...but it was short of 2 miles... more like 1.76.

1st in the 8 and under males, 5th male, 10th overall (out of 110).
I couldn't take off work and was sad I missed the race. You and Coach Mike and a few other kids reran the course as a cool down. You were excited just to be running.

The first practice "meet" at Belvidere was September 13th.
Grandma and Papa G came to watch you race for the first time.
There was not an opportunity to "walk the course" and you were running the 1500 first. For all official meets, you can only run the 1500 based on your birthday. Coach Mike said for the practice meets, you could run both if you wanted. You were planning on running both if you "felt up to it" after giving your all in the 1500. Somewhere near the tennis courts, there was a problem with a flag and you got off course of the race. One of the older boys called to you and redirected you, and you quickly caught back up to them. That diversion really rattled you. When you finished, I didn't know about that flag. At the last portion of the race, there were 2 yellow flags. A coach called out about a flag and you stopped and turned back to him and he waved you on. You were devastated that you had stopped and it cost you the race. You were second behind Ben Scott. You knew you could have won. I think your spirit was crushed right then. I tried my best to console you and you told me about the other flag problem. I still tried to reassure you. It wasn't until Coach Mike said "Sam, that was incredible. I saw what happened and you still almost won. You had an amazing race. This is a practice. This is the place to make mistakes. Now, go cheer on your teammates because they were sure cheering for you and we're all so proud of you." I saw you fill up with determination at that very moment. Sam, I can say it is one of the proudest mom moments I've ever had. You were so grown up about how you handled your feelings. You focused on your teammates and waved them on and cheered "keep your pace" and "you can do it" and "keep going strong" to each runner that you saw. I hope you never lose that spirit. Your time that day doesn't matter. You were a winner. You showed everyone what kind of runner you really are.

September 13th - Belvidere Practice Meet

First 1500M
06:35.22 - 1500M

3rd Place, 3 seconds behind Ethan and Ben, but you ran farther.

I found this verse that made me think of the Belvidere meet.
Ecclesiastes 9:11
I have observed something else under the sun. The fastest runner doesn’t always win the race, and the strongest warrior doesn’t always win the battle. The wise sometimes go hungry, and the skillful are not necessarily wealthy. And those who are educated don’t always lead successful lives. It is all decided by chance, by being in the right place at the right time.

Solomon knew that sometimes in life, things just aren't "fair".

That Saturday was the "Hobo" race. Your Grandma and Papa Payne were there this time to cheer you on. I had to work, but I was with you every step of the way in my mind, wishing I was there. I couldn't wait to hear the text go off telling me you were in. Dad said you were first, and that you were going out again on the 3K. I was hoping you'd feel up to it just so you could see what it was like.

September 17th - Hobo 1500 / 3K

6:19.9 - 1500 Meters
1st overall
13:10.3 - 3K
6th overall, 5th in the boys.

I couldn't believe you were 5th in the boys for the 3K. You are 8. The kids running were 9-14 year olds. You told me that when you were coming in the home stretch someone said "Sam??" quizically. I laughed. I am proud that you were able to run back to back races. That's a pretty awesome accomplishment for anyone.

Coach Mike sent us the following email:
"I am sure you are very proud of Sam so let me take it a step further. Somewhere in the background we started keeping track of the all time fastest times run by Wildcats in each age division, Sam’s being 8 and under group. His time today was the 3rd fastest time ever run by a Wildcat boy for 1500 meters. Wow! And based on how fast he ran the 3k me thinks he could have actually ran the 1500 even faster. Pretty amazing in that he is still learning to race.

Let him know that while it is terrific in running circles, you are only as fast as your last race so you never get to rest on your laurels for long.

Way to GO Wildcat !"

Coach Mike
****

I've read it about 20 times and I still get a little emotional every time I read it. You are probably not aware at this age, but I will tell you every chance I get what an amazing group the coaches and volunteer parents of the Wildcats are. We are extremely blessed that we found this group, and that they care so much about every child who shows up every practice.
***
At practice this week, people were starting to ask questions. They wanted to know how old you are, when your birthday is, and how your mom and dad got such a runner in you. Tristan holds the 2nd place record, and talked to you about keeping with him if you beat it. I don't know if you will beat the 6.07 time. I don't think it really matters.

On Thursday, September 22nd you will run in your first "Middle School" meet. We've talked about the fact that the kids running in the meet will be up to age 14, almost twice your age. They will be tall, and they will be fast. However, Coach Mike said you will do well. He said they need to look out for the "Middle School Annihilator".

Having said all these things, there are a few "mom" things I want you to know. I think it is ok to be proud of your accomplishments, and to strive to do the best we can. It is good to take care of the bodies that God has given us, and to be physically active. I think it is even good to compete, as long as you display character and sportsmanship. The Bible talks a lot about running. Isn't that interesting?

In 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 (New Living Translation) it says:

24 Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! 25 All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. 26 So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. 27 I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified.

That verse means that we should be running our race of life the way God outlines in the Bible, and that it takes practice and focus, just like running. Sometimes, life is hard, but we keep running because God has laid out the finish for us in Heaven.

And even though this isn't a running verse, I think Philippians 2:3-4 NIV shows how we should act.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

It may seem like your ambition should be to "be the fastest", but I think it is really to "be the best you can be"- the best friend, the best sportsman, the best runner, and the best encourager of those around you to be their best. It doesn't matter what place you come in. You have the opportunity to show God's love to those around you by valuing each of your teammates for who they are.

I love that you love to run.
I love to see you growing as a person through this experience.
And I will love seeing you cross many more finish lines...

And you will be able to say:

2 Timothy 4:7-8
7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8 Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.

Love you forever and always,
Mommy

In Memory of 9/11/2001

I have been struggling to find the words I wanted to write to share what 9/11/2001 meant to me, so I could share with Sam. I have very strong memories of exiting onto route 31 off of I90, heading into work at Safety-Kleen. I was a few minutes late (as usual) and heard the chilling words that there was a plane crash as I exited my car. When I arrived on the floor where I worked, news started flooding in that the plane had crashed into the World Trade Center. We rushed down to the conference room to watch on the television and viewed the coverage showing the second plane crashing into the second tower. My heart immediately thought of the children who had parents that worked there. My co-worker had a little girl, and the unknown threat loomed large throughout the country. My immediate reaction was to encourage her to leave, to go get her little girl, and go home. I wanted to make sure that she was with her child, no matter what happened. I wanted to go home too, but to me it was more important that she get home and hold on to her precious daughter.

As I reflect, my heart still aches over the children affected. So many were among the victims, and so many have faced life without one or both parents. At the time of 9/11/2001, I was childless. However, I did have family, and I knew the importance of family, friendship and love. My heart was breaking for all those families who lost loved ones, and those lives forever changed by being a part of this tragic moment of history in America.

I have watched some of the anniversary coverage streaming on line and have heard some of the stories of the children who are now nearly grown. There were children in schools blocks away from the World Trade Center Towers, in the same grade that Sam is now. They are about to embark on their adult lives with the impact of this event imprinted in their souls.

In 10 years, Sam will be 18. How much will have transpired? Will Sam know how much he is loved and valued? What kind of man will Sam become? Will he have learned to treasure family and friendship? Will I have demonstrated the importance of putting others first, of connecting with people, and recognizing that though we are all different, we are all precious children in our Father's eyes?

9/11/2011

Letting Go

Our precious Eyelash Gecko, "Leaf" has left this earth.

Sam, I know your heart is aching and I am so sorry that you have to experience loss. It is one of the things the heart never can prepare for, no matter how much the mind tries.

Loss is one of the most bittersweet things in this world. I know that God made each living thing and loves each living thing, so I know that He feels our hurts when his creatures leave the earth. He promises us that Heaven will be a wonderful place, filled with His glory and grace, so I believe that Heaven will be filled with amazing things we can't even imagine and that our hearts will be full. And yes, Sam, I think there will be lizards in heaven.

It is hard to let go of the things here on earth, but they are only temporary.

I love you Sam. And God loves you more.
Mommy

Thoughts on Third Grade

Third Grade.

In Third Grade, my entire world changed. We moved. I left a school I loved, a teacher I loved, friends I loved, a house I loved and a neighborhood I loved. I still have a note from the principal that I got on my birthday that year. I still remember singing "Kookabura Sits in the Old Gum Tree" and playing "Thumbs Up 7-Up" at my desk. I can close my eyes and picture the classroom. I remember learning about President Carter and his love of Peanuts. I really thought Third Grade was the best ... until we moved. I still love the town where I spent most of the first 8 years of my life and I secretly wish that Sam would choose to attend College there. Elmhurst was "home".

Our new house needed a lot of work. It took up a lot of my parents time. Everything was new, and everything was different. However, I know that the changes that came in Third Grade allowed me to become who I am now. I made new friends, faced many new challenges, and forged new life long memories. I still love that town also, and get misty eyed just thinking about the street my Grandpa lived on just a few blocks from us. I loved walking home from swimming lessons through the sitting park near Stone Avenue station and looking for Chipmunks. I loved the sound of the train, the walks to Prosche drug store, and the local grocery store where everyone knew your name. LaGrange will always be "my home town".

Sam started 3rd Grade on Wednesday. So far I'm IN LOVE with 3rd Grade again. But I know that this year is going to be full of change, challenge, and growth for Sam. I know that he will make new friends, face new obstacles, and discover his own "favorite" things.

As his mom, I hope that I can help him recognize that no matter what he faces, he has the strength and love of God beside him to guide him and help him through the good and the bad.

I hope that as an adult, he'll remember the trails he ran on, the parks he played at, the treats from Culvers, and playing in the neighborhood with friends. I want him to look back and fondly remember all of this collectively as "home".

Wuv...Twu Wuv...

There's been a lot of talk about LOVE in my life lately - young love, old love, and all kinds of love in between.



How do people "fall" "IN LOVE".
Can people fall "out" of "love"?
There's the fairy tale version of "love" with rose petals, princes on white horses, and fair maidens...
There's the sweet love of child with a sticky face offering a parent a priceless kiss.
There's the movie "love" - the one where boy meets girl and despite obstacles of distance, age, finances, education, or even intense dislike, they fall head over heels for each other.
There's 'best friend' love, brotherly (and sisterly) love, family love, and then...

Then there's God's love - eternal love - the kind where He sends His only son to take away the sins of the world so that we may have fellowship with Him if we only believe.

In 1 Corinthians 13, love is laid out for us:
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

I suppose that is the LOVE that I want to be known for having. A love that doesn't end when circumstances change. A love that endures storms and allows me to go on "without fail" even when my heart feels broken, trampled or ignored.

I pray that those in young love will realize all that God's love has for them as they grow, and that God's love will protect and guard their hearts, allowing them to also go on "without fail" in His perfect love forever.

Full of Emptiness

I love oxymorons and the phrase "Full of Emptiness" really seems to sum up my heart's feelings at times. It isn't like I can fit ANYTHING else in my heart, so one would assume that my heart is full - but yet it simultaneously feels completely empty. How is it possible to feel on so many contradictory levels?

I continue to try to focus on the things I know and to try to remember that value and strength are inherent because of who I am as a child of Almighty God, not who others perceive me to be.

The days I remember to be mindful of the creator of all things and to realize that He is holding everything in His hands are filled with more peace than emptiness. When I get distracted by my circumstances and listen to the voices that are trying to pull me into despair and darkness the feelings of complete emptiness threaten to overwhelm me.

I come completely undone every year with the 'holidays' in full season as I anticipate not being able to meet my own expectations of a 'real' Christmas. I am praying that I will be able to stop and listen and hear the Angels singing the only "REAL" reason to celebrate: Luke 2:14 “Glory to God in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.”

Fear Factor

I've been thinking a lot about the "FEAR Factor" lately. Fear is both a noun and a verb, defined accourding to merriam-webster.com as follows:

Noun:
1a : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger b (1) : an instance of this emotion (2) : a state marked by this emotion
2: anxious concern : solicitude
3: profound reverence and awe especially toward God
4: reason for alarm : danger

And
Verb:
transitive verb
1archaic : frighten
2archaic : to feel fear in (oneself)
3: to have a reverential awe of
4: to be afraid of : expect with alarm
intransitive verb
: to be afraid or apprehensive

Fear can be 'rational' or 'irrational' and my reaction to "Fear" in both the noun and verb form can be similarly categorized.

Fear can do the following:
1. Motivate me to overcome the fear
2. Paralyze me in response to the fear
3. Control and dominate nearly every thought with fear
4. Initiate a retreat in reaction to the fear

I've recently taken a baby step in 'overcoming' a fear of Algebra by taking a placement test. In the grand scheme of things it is a ridiculous fear, but I literally used a fear of failing to put on hold something that I could have accomplished years ago. I'll categorize that as an 'irrational' reaction to FEAR.

But there are other fears - anxious concerns and apprehensions - that I still need to contend with that loom larger than scrambled letters and numbers on a page.

I've determined that my reaction to these fears should be to first analyze the "things" being feared.

1. Is it a situation in which I have any control? Are there steps I can take to alter the perceived outcome?
If yes, use the fear (anxiety, concern) to put together an action plan and take one step at a time toward change.

2. Is it an event that is impending but one which I really have no way to change? If yes, use fear as a reminder that God holds our future in His hand and He already knows the outcome. Change from being controlled by fear to a position of power and peace through prayer and trust in the hand of God to lead and guide when the future is unclear.

The "FEAR Factor" is definitely real. We all face daunting giants in our lives -some of us on a daily basis. May we be like David and use one stone and a reliance and profound reverence and awe toward God to face our fears and overcome them.

Where have you been?

I generally like to write, but I'm terrible at forming habits (unless you call procrastination a habit). So I do not write on a consistent basis. I know I have a blog, but really, what's the point if no one else reads it? Well, I guess the point is that sometimes I need to read my own reflections every once in awhile. I recently reviewed a post I wrote and thought "Did I really write that?" Sure seems applicable to my situation now. Can I just repost it I wonder? Guess my writing is not fruitless if it helps even one person...even if that one person is me.

More Life to This Life

Perspective is still one of the most amazing "concepts" to me. So many circumstances can change our perspective in so many ways instantly. Life altering events happen without warning and take on many forms - the death of a loved one - diagnosis of a terminal disease - loss of a job. Each of these circumstances catapult us to another level in the landscape of life. How we deal with these changes and the subsequent choices we make can alter our paths and produce more changes which can again change our perspective! It is one of the many variables in life, and frankly, one of the hardest to grasp. All around us are people who may also be facing an unexpected change in perspective. How precious it would be if we could realize the fragility that they are facing in determining all their new view entails. What if we could pray more for others even while going through our own shadowy valleys? It isn't easy. Sometimes our own problems are rightfully consuming. But as I face my shadows I know that I have the Ruler of this Universe by my side, and I pray that I will recognize each struggling face that He puts in my path and give me the strength and wisdom to reach out, beyond myself, and allow me to be a light into their darkness to show how much more there is to this life.

Under The Sun

There is nothing new under the sun..."What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun..." Ecclesiastes 1:9 (NIV) Does this mean life is "de ja vu" all over again? Feels like it some days. Since I am blogging to impart things to Sam, I want him to know this feeling is definitely REAL. The feelings that overwhelm you at times will be felt again. The frustrations in life have been felt before... but the great thing about there being "nothing new under ths sun" is that God has "been there" and "done that" for his children throughout history. It is this simple fact that I am focusing on today. I have no idea what God has in mind for our family. We are wandering in the desert with no end in sight. But God's been to the desert before...many times...with many people...and He can lead us through anything. My questions don't stop with the reassurance that God is with me. I want to know WHY we are in the desert. I want to know WHEN we will get out. I want to know HOW we will exit - will there be more mountains to climb? Will there be rivers to wade through? I know God is here, but sometimes I lose my patience in waiting for a visible sign from Him of a door open, a path cleared, even a whisper saying "almost done"... And it seems I've felt this way for months now... nothing new under the sun Trust Patience Understanding God's will I feel i've learned all the things above...and then I feel like I'm right back where I started. nothing new under the sun So, to help cope when there is nothing new under the sun... when you know there is nothing left you "can do"...you can know there is only one thing you "should do"... Pray. Pray fervently. Pray without ceasing. God's already been here - He already knows the way out. The only peace will come through Him, through thoroughly throwing your hands up to Him and saying "it's me...again...I'm here in this desert...where to next God?" Maybe the oasis is just around the next sand dune...

FaceBook

So, I joined Facebook...I thought having a "blog" was hip...woah. Facebook is WA-ay tech. But I've been thinking about our church's "motto" (which is completely the wrong word, but it's the only one I can conjure at this hour)..."BEYOND THE WALLS"... We are talking about getting on the "outside" of the building and actually DOING something. I consider it "DOING" the great commission. The book of Matthew, Chapter 28 vs 19 says "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations...". It does not say "Go and make Churches" or even "Go and make Church attenders". So. What is a disciple? Merriam-Webster.com defines a disciple as "one who accepts and assists in spreading the doctrines of another: one of the twelve in the inner circle of Christ's followers according to the Gospel accounts"... I'm not discounting churches or the need for believers to gather for fellowship and edification. I have merely been pondering the possibility that perhaps we as "followers of Christ" should be spending LESS time doing "Church" and more time doing "life". I can't help but think about where Jesus himself met most of his followers. It wasn't inside the synagogs. It was out where they lived and worked. And I don't recall reading anywhere about Christ saying "No, I can't go fishing with you today. I need to get to the synagog." Again, not that spending time with other belivers is bad...but where exactly does the "make disciples" role fit into our lifestyle? How are we "spreading the good news" (doctrine) by dedicating our lives to "serving the church...Sunday (Church, Sunday School, maybe a potluck lunch, perhaps a small group), Tuesday morning (Ladie's Bible Study), Wednesday evening (choir practice), Friday (Family fun time with small group), Saturday morning (Men's breakfast and church clean up)......where and when do we find the time to reach out? And who do we reach out to? Yes, we may invite our neighbors, acquaintances or co-workers to some "events" and sometimes even to "attend church". And sometimes they come. Many have been tremendously blessed merely by invitation. I am not discounting that either... My fear is that often we are so immersed in the culture of "Church" that we forget that there is an entire culture outside the four walls that wants nothing to do with the "church world". I imagine there are many that would think answering yes to, "Hey, why don't you come join our family at church for some fun" would be only slightly less painful than joining you at the dentist and undergoing a root canal with you. However, they may politely say "Oh, not today, I've got to...wash the neighbor's dog" Again, I'm not saying that invting people to church is negative...but is getting someone INTO the church building the goal? I'm just trying to figure out how exactly "making disciples" works. I can tell you it isn't getting someone into the church building...it has to be more than that...it has to be personal...something deeper...something more passionate than that. I am certainly not good at being "outside" my walls. My house walls, my church walls, my family walls...I like the comfort and the familiarity of knowing what to expect...and knowing I won't be challenged. Not very "out there"... So now I'm on this FaceBook thing. And I'm "out there" looking for a job, interviewing, and facing the real possibility that in 30 days I'll be doing a job with "people" that are REALLY beyond my walls... Will I be able to "make disciples" and survive "the world"? TBC (to be continued...)

Make a Smilebox photobook

Joy For All Seasons

I've been thinking about Joy this Christmas. What brings you joy? True joy - not just the temporary high of the feeling of happiness... The joy that is deep and peaceful and brings refreshment to your soul. Sometimes that joy is elusive if we focus on the "feeling"... So, I've also been reading about feelings - the emotional part of us that can trick us into believing that we need to feel "happy". There are a lot of things that bring me "happiness"...but the feeling is often fleeting. The joy in my life - what I hold dear to my heart - never goes away. When I concentrate on the joy that I have - my husband, my Sammy, my neices, my family - creation that surrounds me - the amazing joy that comes from knowing the creator of the universe who was born to save us- I can find the strength and energy to share true joy with others and not be burdened with the temporary fact that there are days when I just have a hard time "feeling happy"!

Now What

So it's 1am and I can't sleep. Yes, I am mulling. Now what? How long? Why? What's the plan? Where's that EMail from God? Why can't I "get" that all the things that I type are "real"? God's provision is REAL. God's love is REAL. God's presence is REAL. I can type it, but can I LIVE it? Why do I struggle with this overwhelming fear that maybe it really ISN'T going to be ok. Maybe because I know somewhere in my being that perhaps God isn't quite finished "shaking up the box". I have thought of the entire "perspective" perspective tonight...yes, I meant perspective perspective... the comparison of our struggles versus the struggles of so many others and how minute and insignificant what we are facing is. But yet I still sit up staring into the blue daisy virtual world with wide eyes asking NOW WHAT? So...NOW WHAT? I guess the answer is to "get beyond myself". Or, to use an acronym, GOYS. GET OVER YOURSELF (a self direction intended for me, not you readers!!) DO something for someone less fortunate. Put some "perspective" on my perspective...it's worth a try.

God Laughs

Almost everyone has heard the quote "We plan, God laughs". I feel that He's laughing now. This past Sunday there were so many indications of how much bigger HIS plans are than I could ever imagine. As a point of clarification, I don't imagine God laughing in a sarcastic or sadistic "Haha, I've trumped ya" kind of manner. I feel it's the gentle laugh of a father who says "Ahh, but I have something so much better in mind." Our pastor's wife is terminally ill with cancer. I don't think God is laughing at their situation, but I do see that their earthly plans have been completely obliterated. They are now planning a funeral. How does that work? In our Sunday School class, we began a new study. I don't have the author's information so I will have to credit the study in a future post, but the beginning emphasis of the study really follows the "plan" dilemna. The author stated that the most important spiritual act we can "do" is "CHOOSE". Choose? What does THAT mean? Then we delved into various scriptures about how one seemingly tiny choice can have life altering implications. Do we listen to God's direction and choose wisely or do we choose rashly or selfishly or even mindlessly and "just do it"? What are the ramifications of our daily choices? Do we choose out of fear or faith? I never contemplated that the act of choosing is spiritual. My self analysis disclosed that at times, I "act" out of habit without much thought at all. So is that still "choosing"? We are stressing making wise choices with Sam in conjunction with the character traits that his school is focusing on. God seemed to be saying to me "What are YOU choosing?" over and over and over to me on Sunday. Am I choosing to realize all that is around me? Am I choosing to be thankful for everything? Am I choosing to let God be God? Am I choosing or am I just "saying it" because it "sounds spiritual"? Saul chose to make a sacrifice on his own when he was out battling the Philestines. Seems like "the right thing to do", right? Nope. He was told to wait for the priest. Because of that wrong choice, the kingdom was removed from Sauls lineage. Wow. There are so many things that are seemingly up in the air. For someone who likes to have all the answers and spends tons of time "mulling" and "trying to get the answers right" ahead of time, this whole choice aspect was a completely new revelation. Our pastor and his wife are a great testimony to how choices can affect more than what is visible at the moment. Their choice in planning a celebration of God's goodness through this earthly suffering communicates more than any sermon or any spiritual "how to book". My own choices need to be made through more listening and less "muilling". I need to CHOOSE to let God make the plans. Maybe then I can laugh WITH God when I see HIS plans realized in my life. Not an obnoxious "HARDY HAR HAR" kind of laugh, but a soft "Wow, God! This is great!" kind of chuckle that resonates deep within my soul.

Real Sunday

Ever feel like Sundays are "the worst" days of the week when they should be the best? I think I've felt that way my entire life. I always struggle with putting on the "right" attitude when in fact I should be just real and me and looking forward to spending time at God's house of worship. The adjustments this week of starting a new job, a new schedule and fighting a cold really hammered me and by this morning I was fighting a terrible headache and couldn't get out of bed. The guilt of missing church "again" really weighed down on my heart. I had to stop and think about how God views things. Does He want me to be in church worshipping Him? Yes, without a doubt. Does He want me to care for myself and care FOR myself, and treat my body as a temple in which he dwells 24x7? Emphatically, YES! So, was it "wrong" for me to stay home and rest? No. It was the right thing for me to do. However, I think God would also want me to look at how I can better manage myself and my time and my week so that I am more rested on Sunday so I can worship with others. There has to be a balance between "duty" and "responsibility". Sometimes people attend church out of "duty" and miss the real heart of worship...but they are "there" sitting in the pew. I don't think that is what God intended church to be. We have a responsibility to honor God, to worship God and to fellowship with other believers. But that doesn't always have to happen on Sundays between 8 and Noon, nor should it ONLY happen on Sundays between 8 and Noon. Church should be something we ARE, not something we GO TO. It should be REAL and it should be 24x7. THAT's a REAL SUNDAY.

Lord Move or Move Me

So there's a song "Lord Move or Move Me" by FFH. I've always felt a connection to that song. But as I heard it tonight on my way to FedEx, I had to ask myself, can I REALLY pray this and mean it? Can I be REAL enough to really ask God: "Lord, move in a way that I've never seen before, cuz there's a mountain in the way, and a lock on the door... I'm drifting away ...waves are crashing on the shore...Lord Move or Move me...I've got to leave myself behind...give away everything I hold on to...Lord I know the only way is through this....Lord I know I need you to help me do this...Out of this place of complacency to a place of fellowship with Thee...I am weak but Lord you are so strong....It's been so long..." How and Where am I willing to BE MOVED for him? Can I give away everything I hold on to? Am I willing to give up being comfortable and complacent and let him "SHAKE IT UP" even more than I already feel I've been shaken? Am I open to HIS leading or am I still trying to "direct" things? Honestly, I believe it is a continual process of release and renewal. God speaks to me frequently through music when I'm quiet and listening and can feel Him tug on my heart and say "I'm here." He'll most likely Move or Move ME whether or not I'm ready...it's just makes it a little less painful when I've already given over the steering wheel to Him rather than Him having to pry my fingers off the controls...